For Men Only - Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

Published by Multnomah Publishers/Random House, Inc.: Atlanta, Georgia, 2006.

Elise and I, both separately and when we got married, have collected a number of relationship books, often using them as references or reading sections, but not generally getting through the whole book. Recently, we had the privilege of running our first pre-marriage counselling session for a younger couple in our church, and hunted out our books both to resource ourselves and to offer resources to them. Long story short, I then picked up this book and decided I'd have a go at reading it in its entirety.

I recommend doing so.

For Men Only is the companion book to For Women Only, which was written by Shaunti Feldhahn as a solo author, helping women understand their men a little better. In this book, Shaunti joins with her husband to write the flipped version, helping men understand their women a little better. Both books (I believe, from what Elise has mentioned of the other book) contain numerous polls that the Feldhahns have conducted in their research, showing the 'general' type of response from each gender to the scenarios posed. There will always be individuals and couples that fall outside the range of these responses, but as a general guideline (rather than actual rules) the insights in this book are quite helpful.

Having both been trained in this kind of thing (Elise in counselling, me through church ministry training), the majority of For Men Only wasn't mind-blowingly new for me, but did reaffirm some things I know are important in theory. The outworking and nuances of some of those things did surprise, however. For example, as a guy I 'know' that Elise wants to feel secure - it makes sense. So, as a guy, I can default to making sure I have a good job and put a lot of effort into it to provide for my family. However, some guys will put so much effort into work that their home life suffers, and this ends up undermining the kind of security that is most important to the average woman. One poll points out that a vast majority of women would, given the choice between two BAD choices, prefer to have emotional security and financial insecurity than the other way around. The authors make the case that men who pour all their time into their careers have it badly around the other way.

Insights like this, told with clarity and a dash of humour, make For Men Only an easy, engaging, and insightful read. A book I will be recommending to other men in the future.

Completed 27 March 2025.

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